Blame It On The Pain Episode 77
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🧏 Blame It On The Pain SEVENTY SEVEN:
“You have visitors, Reid.”
I walk into the visiting room and my eyes immediately connect with Alyssa's.
As happy as I am to see her, I already told her that I didn't want her to visit. Visitation at Rikers is practically an all day event and it's not always safe.
Especially when she comes here looking like that. She's wearing one of my t-shirts and a pair of jeans. Her still dark glossy hair is hanging loose and she's glowing.
She looks so beautiful it hurts to breathe. I'm actually thankful that Ricardo and Tyrone came here with her.
My heart sinks when I look at Tyrone. I can't believe he came all the way here to see me. He has enough of his own problems right now.
Ricardo's the first one to give me a hug. I didn't think it was possible but we've grown even closer after what happened.
In part, due to the three-hour visit that we had when I first got here. He opened up to me and told me the truth about everything. When he left, we both practically had tears in our eyes. He also offered to do what DeLuca did for me. He offered to pay off the judge and have evidence planted again, but I declined.
He said he would figure something else out, but I told him that unless it was legit, I wasn't interested.
I want to be free on my own merits, even though a big part of me knows that won't ever happen.
I hug Tyrone next and seeing him in his wheelchair ki lls me. He gives me that look that tells me he's doing okay and follows it up with a smile. I smile back because I know that he's going to pull through this.
Finally, I turn and face Alyssa.
Then I force myself to back away. She looks hurt, and I hate myself for doing that to her. But I can't kss her. I can't hug her. I can't touch her because if I do I'm afraid I won't ever stop. I'll unravel and I won't make it through prison if that happens.
We all sit down at the table and Ricardo's the first to speak. “I hired a lawyer for you. He's the best on the East Coast.”
My ears start ringing because this whole thing is all too familiar. “I told you I wanted everything to be legit.”
“It is,” he assures me.
“I wish you wouldn't waste your money. I'm not getting out of here. The prosecutor's going to have a field day with me because they know that I don't regret it. They know that I'm going to accept whatever happens. There's no point in fighting this.”
Ricardo lets out a frustrated sigh.
Tyrone looks pissed and opens his mouth to argue, but Alyssa stands up and puts her hands on her hips. “Ricardo, do you think you can distract the guards for a little? I need to speak to Jackson alone.”
“You got it,” Ricardo says before him and Tyrone leave.
The sIap across my face knocks me for a loop. “Snap out of it, Jackson!” Alyssa screams.
I stare at her wide-eyed. “There's nothing to snap out of. I love you but I need you to come to terms with this. I need you to find someone else. Someone who's good. Someone who can take care of you an—”
She sits back down and points a finger at me. “Shut up. There is no one else, there will never be anyone else. I know you're scared because of the first time you were in prison. I get it. I know you've given up all hope of the system working in your favor but you can't. I still believe that good things can happen. I haven't in awhile, but I do now, Jackson.”
“I wish you wouldn't because it will only hurt you in the end. And I don't want to hurt you, Alyssa.”
She leans forward. “There's still some good in the world.” Her brow crinkles. “Now can you do something for me? Please?”
“You know I will.”
“I just need you to believe. Believe in me. Believe in yourself.”
She stands up and reaches for my hand before placing it over her stomach. “Believe in us. Because I do.”
Her stomach feels just like it always has, but for some reason, my heart rate skyrockets and I've never felt more nauseous in my life. “Alyssa, why did you put my hand on your stomach?”
She plays with her necklace. “Because I know deep down that you're scared. And I think you need some extra strength. But I know you can do it. I know you can get through this.” She places her hand over mine. “You're not getting rid of us. We're going to be a team for life.”
Tears sting my eyes as I remember everything she told me about the last conversation with her father.
And that's when I realize.
She said us.
“How? Not that I'm not—” I pause because I really don't know what I am.
Actually, I do. I'm fking scared out of my mind. This is a different kind of scared that I've never experienced before.
But I'm strangely happy, too. Christ, does that even make any sense?
“I didn't think to use a backup when I was sick and on antibiotics. I'm sorry. I know it's not ideal. I know our situation is completely—” she pauses and exhales.
I place my hands on her h ips and move her closer to me. “Scary?” I offer.
She blinks away tears. “Yeah. It is…but I know we can do this. No matter what happens. We'll get through this somehow. I don't give a fk what the rest of the world thinks about you. Our baby will know their daddy is a good man, because they will know you.”
She runs her hand through my hair and I place a kss on her belly. “Okay.” A sense of calm washes over me. “No matter what happens, I'll still believe in us.”
I stand up and give her a hug. Ricardo and Tyrone's eyes meet mine. They both pat the spot over their heart and I smile.
Our visit ends after that but Ricardo walks over to me right before the guards take me away.
“Make sure you go to the recreation room tonight.”
He starts walking. “Because there's a television in there.”
“And by the way, you have a meeting with your new lawyer tomorrow,” he calls out before he walks out the door.
TO Be Continued